Considerations for Planning a Home Wake or Family Gathering
Imagine this: A grandmother died on a Tuesday morning in her own bed, surrounded by three generations of family.
And then... nobody left.
For two days, her body stayed in that bedroom. Grandkids came and went. Neighbors brought casseroles. Someone played her favorite hymns on the piano. People cried, laughed, told stories, and sat in silence. They washed her body themselves. They dressed her in the dress she'd picked out years ago.
By the time the funeral home came to take her body on Thursday, the family wasn't just sad—they were settled. They'd had time. They'd said goodbye on their terms, in their space.
That's a home wake. It's not for everyone, but if you're wondering whether it might be right for you, here's what you need to know.
What is a Home Wake?
When your End-of-Life Matters Packet asks about gathering preferences, you'll see a checkbox for "Wake at home" alongside options like "Traditional funeral service" and "Celebration of life service."
A home wake isn't a funeral. It's what happens before the funeral (or instead of one). It's keeping your body at home for a period of time (hours or days) so family can be with you, grieve privately, and say goodbye without the pressure of a funeral home schedule or a ticking clock.
It's an old practice that's making a comeback, especially among families who want something more intimate, personal, or affordable than a traditional funeral home experience.
Why People Choose a Home Wake
It's deeply personal. Your family can grieve in their pajamas, play your favorite music, light candles, tell stories, and take all the time they need. There's no funeral director managing the schedule or telling them when "viewing hours" are over.
It normalizes death. In My Father's Wake, Kevin Toolis writes about how Irish families historically kept bodies at home for days, and not because they were morbid, but because it helped them accept the reality of death. Sitting with a body, touching it, and seeing it change is a way of processing what happened.
It can be more affordable. Funeral homes charge for embalming, facilities, staff time, and "basic services." A home wake skips most of that. You still need a funeral home to transport the body eventually and handle the death certificate, but you're not paying for their space or their schedule.
It honors your wishes. If you've always said, "I want to die at home," a home wake is the natural extension of that. You get to stay in your space, surrounded by your things and your people, a little bit longer. As people come to visit you at home, they get a greater sense of connection to you by being in the place you called home. They can interact with your prized possessions, your bookshelf, your wall of picture frames, etc.
Why People Don't Choose a Home Wake
It's a lot of work for your family. Someone has to coordinate everything—keeping the body cool, managing visitors, handling logistics. If your family is already overwhelmed (and they will be), this might be too much to ask.
Not everyone is comfortable with bodies. Some people are deeply unsettled by the idea of a dead body in the house. If your spouse or kids would find this traumatic rather than comforting, it's not the right choice. The National Home Funeral Alliance has a Quick Guide to help you learn about the laws in your state.
It requires specific conditions. You need a cool room (ideally under 65°F) or dry ice to keep the body from decomposing too quickly. You need space. You need a funeral home willing to work with you (not all will). You need to understand local laws about how long a body can stay at home.
It's not always possible. If you die in a hospital or unexpectedly, a home wake might not be feasible. If you live in a small apartment or a care facility, it's logistically complicated. If your religion requires immediate burial, there's no time for it.
What Your Family Would Need to Pull This Off
If you check "Wake at home" on page 12 of your packet, here's what you're asking your family to do:
Before you die:
Find a funeral home that supports home wakes (not all do—ask specifically).
Understand your state's laws about home death care (some states require a funeral director; others don't).
Identify a "death midwife", home funeral guide, or a family member you’ve checked with first who can help coordinate.
After you die:
Provide instructions for your loved ones to:
Have your body kept cool using fans, air conditioning, open windows, or dry ice (which will need to be sourced/replaced every 8-12 hours).
Wash and dress your body (if they want to—funeral homes can do this too).
Manage visitors and create a peaceful space.
Coordinate with the funeral home for eventual transport (usually within 24-72 hours depending on local laws).
This is not a small ask. It requires emotional bandwidth, physical labor, and logistical coordination during one of the hardest moments of their lives.
How to Decide (And What to Write in Your Packet)
Here's the question to ask yourself: Would a home wake honor my values and be manageable for my family?
If you're not sure, here's how to think through it:
Check "Wake at home" if:
You value intimacy and simplicity over formal services.
Your family has expressed interest in this or has done it before.
You're willing to do the legwork now (finding a supportive funeral home, researching local laws, talking to your family about expectations).
Don't check it if:
Your family would find it overwhelming or distressing.
You're not sure they'd have the physical or emotional capacity to manage it.
You die far from home or in a hospital setting where logistics are complicated.
Middle-Ground Alternatives:
You don't have to choose between a home wake and a traditional funeral.
Check "Family gathering" instead—a private, informal gathering at home after the funeral home has taken your body. You get the intimacy without the logistical complexity.
Check "Visitation (closed-casket/other)" and note that you want it to feel personal and unhurried, even if it's at a funeral home.
What to Write in the "Remember Me As I Was" Section
If you do want a home wake, page 13 of your packet is where you help your family create the right atmosphere. This section asks for your favorite:
Places to be (your living room, your garden, your front porch)
Meals, drinks, snacks (comfort food they can serve to visitors)
Movies, music & entertainment (what should be playing in the background?)
Hobbies, sports, games (should people be looking at your fishing gear, your quilts, your record collection?)
Books, songs, poems, quotes (what words capture who you were?)
These aren't just sentimental details—they're instructions for how to make a home wake feel like you.
This is All Difficult, But You Can Do This.
Most people who choose home wakes aren't doing it because they're "comfortable with death." They're doing it because they want their family to have time: to sit, to cry, to process, to be together without a schedule.
As Frank Ostaseski writes in The Five Invitations, one of the greatest gifts we can give the dying (and the grieving) is presence. A home wake is a way of extending that presence beyond the moment of death. As he says, “bearing witness” helping people to face directly what’s occurring, to work with the paradoxes and complexity that they’re confronted with. Frank’s perspective may be in some ways different from yours, but it is richly insightful, and you can read more here.
But it's also okay if that's not your thing. Funerals exist for a reason. Funeral homes provide structure, support, and expertise when families need it most. There's no shame in choosing that.
Your Next Step
Open your packet to page 12. Look at the gathering options. Ask yourself:
What kind of goodbye do I want my people to have?
What would honor my values without overwhelming my family?
Have I talked to my family about what they'd be comfortable with?
Then check the boxes that feel right. And if you're not sure, check "Family gathering" and write in the margins: "I want something intimate and personal. Let's talk about what that looks like when the time comes."
Because here's the thing: the best gathering isn't the most elaborate or the most traditional or the most unconventional. It's the one that helps your people grieve well and remember you as you were.
Questions to consider:
Have you ever attended a home wake or family-led gathering? What was that experience like?
Would your family find a home wake meaningful or overwhelming?
Resources referenced:
My Father's Wake by Kevin Toolis
The Five Invitations by Frank Ostaseski