How to Prepare a 'First Contacts' Call List
Here’s something we rarely think of, you phone will survive you. In the hours after your death, it will still ring.
Your surviving family will sit there with your phone not knowing what to do nor whom to contact first.
And here's what makes it worse, everyone who shows up to help asks the same question: "What can I do?" And the answer is always, "I don't know."
You can fix this right now. Not for yourself (you'll be dead, after all 😉), but for the people you love who'll be sitting in that exact spot someday.
Why This Matters
In A Beginner's Guide to the End, BJ Miller and Shoshana Berger talk about how the immediate aftermath of death is pure chaos—medical decisions, body care, family notifications, all happening while people are in shock. And in Being Mortal, Atul Gawande reminds us that modern death often catches us off guard, even when we know it's coming.
So, remember that your "First Contacts" list is a gift. It's you saying, "I know you're going to be a mess when this happens, so I'm handling the logistics now."
What Goes on This List
Think of this as your loved ones' first-day playbook. Here's what they actually need:
1. The Inner Circle (Call These People First)
Immediate family members with phone numbers
Your closest 2-3 friends who can rally the troops
Anyone who should hear it from family, not Facebook
Pro tip: Note the relationship next to each name. In the fog of grief, your loved ones will benefit from the clarification.
2. Employer & Professional Ties
Your current employment contact information
Business partners or co-owners
3. Your Broader Community
Your pastor, rabbi, or spiritual leaders
Your church and/or community/membership groups
Close neighbors who check on you
Anyone who depends on you (aging parent, friend you drive to appointments)
Pet sitter or vet (if you have animals)
Your doctor(s) and other professional contacts you are close to
Note: other medical contacts are listed prior in the packet and professional contacts are listed later on. This page is intended just for helping your loved ones get the word out.
Pro Tip: It may be helpful to pull out your phone and scroll through your contacts thinking who would be very upset to find out about your death weeks after-the-fact on social media.
Where to Keep This List
Here's what doesn't work: a note in your phone that dies with you, or a paper in your filing cabinet that no one knows exists. That’s why the End-of-Life Matters Packet can be filled out electronically and then printed, but also stored and emailed to your loved ones and/or executor/trustee. Make sure others are aware the packets exists and that it contains this sort of immediately useful information.
The Uncomfortable Truth
This is uncomfortable, but if you have time to fill out your fantasy football roster or invite list for a family baby shower, you surely have time to do this.
Here's what I've learned from sitting with grieving families (and from reading Kevin Toolis's My Father's Wake and Frank Ostaseski's The Five Invitations): the people who pre-plan this stuff don't love their families more. They just love them more practically.
Your people are going to be wrecked when you die. You can't fix that. But you can hand them a roadmap so they're not wrecked and lost. The First Contacts list is a big part of that.
Your Next Step
Set a timer for 20 minutes. Right now, if you can.
Open your packet to the First Contacts page and start listing names. You don't need to finish it today; you just need to start.
Because here's the thing: this list isn't about death. It's about love. It's you showing up for your people even when you can't physically be there anymore.
Questions to consider:
Who in your life would be paralyzed without this list?
What relationships or responsibilities would fall through the cracks if you died suddenly?
When's the last time you updated your emergency contacts?
Resources referenced:
A Beginner's Guide to the End by BJ Miller & Shoshana Berger
Being Mortal by Atul Gawande
My Father's Wake by Kevin Toolis
The Five Invitations by Frank Ostaseski